Thoughts on the anniversary of the beginning of the end of my first marriage

I find it cynically funny that it all began so near to Independance Day. Though even as I think it I feel a bit of a stabbing sensation inside. (Note to self: be mindful of not letting melodramatic dave take over. )

If I'd looked objectively at myself and how I've been doing I probably would have realized it wasn't realistic to be done with the emotional process of dealing with this whole divore thing within the 6 months that have passed since it was official or the year since it started. In the last week I've realized that just because the marriage is over (totally, finally, permanently) it doesn't mean that it can no longer affect me.

There's the anger that I avoided for the better part of a year. There's good memories and bad memories. There's the loss of my best friend. There's a house of memories. There's desire for revenge for pain felt. There's desire for normalcy. There's a desire to be wanted, needed, remembered, missed.

Also I get to look in the mirror and think think think. 8 years. Lots of days and nights. Almost all spent together. Whenever a good memory peeks out a more recent bad one squashes it. I hope soon distance and perspective will balance the two for an accurate point of view.

The fact is, though, that I'm not a rational human being. I'm a creature of emotion, of habit, of desire for relationship. And I need to be okay with that. because pretending otherwise is just that: pretending. And sooner or later it will come back to bite me in the ass.

I found an email I sent to tika shortly into the process.

... I realized on the way here that one of the reasons I've been relatively calm about all this stuff is that there is a large part of me that refuses not to presume that you will in the end choose to be with me. I haven't let the other part of me enter my daily rational thinking. Either I'm bawling for being abandoned or stoic pretend I know you'll choose life with me in the end. I need to work on the other scenario; where you leave me to marry someone else or be single or get some lesbian love. Where you decide that married to me is one thing you'd definatey rather not be. This is going to (continue to) be hard. ...

For some reason I thought when things got better (after they were much worse) that they would stay that way. That I was through with that part. That I had "finished" with those bad days/bad feelings.

Though right now it helps to remember that it did get better and will again.

I just wish it would hurry.

Note to self (2): Write about something cheery