Today's epiphany

For the last month or two I've been paying the price of my very sensible way of dealing with problems rationally when they arise and pushing my emotions to the back, saving them up for another day. A day when they won't be in the way when rational decisions need to be made. The procrastinator in me then says, "Maybe we can just avoid all that unpleasant depressive emotionalness." Unfortunately, the procrastinator is very persuasive.

Fast forward from lets say October to Mid-june. Hey look who it is. Unresolved issues. How suprising.

That takes us to now (leaving out 2 roller coaster months). So I've been slowly sussing out my emotional issues Some of which, needless to say, are too personal to be here, and so they won't be. But this one I thought worth recording.

One of the most painful parts of the divorce process for me is (obviously) the rejection. What I realized today is that I can't just undo that rejection with an acceptance by someone else. Most of it is because I was rejected by my best friend and wife, the person who knows (knew?) me more deeply and broadly than anyone else.

Here's the thing though. Part of me wants her to feel the pain I am feeling. At the same time I know that in the course of her life she has been through so many terrible things and I make no pretenses of being able to compare miseries. But I also know that her misery wouldn't make me feel better. It would do nothing to help me get through or (better) over the rejection I experienced.

Nor would finding someone new. I need to come to terms with it rather than trying to avoid it. I can temporarily cover the feelings with pleasant experiences, but until i work it out it will always come back to kick me in the ass.

So, on with the dealing I say.

Now I just need to to figure out exactly how to do that.

Any ideas?