An odd place.

I remember being fearless.

I know it is a lie. Not nearly true, but so far (by a matter of degree) from how I feel now that it feels true.

Sometimes how it feels matters a lot more than how it is.

I remember being sure of myself, knowing I was worthwhile, knowing I was valuable, knowing I was loved. (the kind of knowing you feel more than think) Why do I insist on defining myself by what I don't have? by what has past, or never was.

I know that I am loved. The center of my faith is that God loves me (as well as everyone else, and all creation) completely and unconditionally. I have seen that love modeled to me by so many people, my parents, my friends old and new. I have felt that love from creation itself. All of October felt like a big hug, and i needed one. I know this Autumn wasn't just for me, but some days it felt like it. And I'm thankful.

I can see myself. I'm so tempted to define myself by what I don't have. By my desires.

I have all I need. My cup overflows. But I can't help but dwell on things that i want, even knowing that I'm not ready to have them.

What's the solution, the cure? If I knew, would I be asking?

Well, here's what I'll be doing, anyhow.

1. Giving Thanks for all that I have been blessed with
2. Realize and enjoy the now, while I'm here in it.
3. Embrace me, because who the hell else am I going to be?
4. Saying, "So it goes." as often as neccesary
5. Staying connected with all of creation, my family and friends, and God.

I'm thankful for this prayer, it helps me to do the things above.

    Lord, it is night.

       The night is for stillness.
       Let us be still in the presence of God.

   It is night after a long day.
       What has been done has been done;
       what has not been done has not been done;
           let it be.

   The night is dark.
       Let our fears of the darkness of the world
           and of our own lives rest in you.

   The night is quiet.
       Let the quietness of your peace enfold us,
           all dear to us,
           and all who have no peace.

   The night heralds the dawn.
       Let us look expectantly to a new day,
           new joys,
           new possibilities.

   In your name, we pray. Amen.

-from a new zealand prayer book

good night.