Silence, inside and out

Silence moves me in many different ways. Sometimes when people overwhelm me and there is just too much noise, too much presence, too much of everything I'll step outside. Winter or summer, drizzle or sun, the fresh air and quiet refreshes me. It helps me breathe and just be. It isn't entirely silent of course. There are cars, trees, animals, insects, wind. The entire world interacts sonically, reminding me of its presence. It helps me to remember how small a piece of the whole I am, which relaxes me.

On the other hand silence indoors, in my house, doesn't have the same effect. It reminds me that I am alone, that my house is empty, that my companions are a tv, a refrigerator, computers, a radio. My walls insulate me from the cold of winter and keep the rain and wind from me. But they also separate me from the universe.

Standing in a thunderstorm there is a very present sense of being, you feel the wind and thunder moving you. You know that you are part of it. Inside I can barely hear the wind and the rain, the bright sun rarely touches me.

Have you ever been in a soundproof room? It doesn't provide a feeling of safety or being protected. It feels like having the air knocked out of you. It is disorienting. It is as if the walls are pulling you apart. Not being able to sense yourself attacks your sense of self. It reminds me of my melancholic days of high school, when I'd ache just to feel something, pleasure or pain.

These days it is easier to feel. I do a better job of being me than I used to. I've learned to appreciate my experience, even with the things I'd most like to change. It is all me, after all. The alternative--to pretend that the unpleasant bits aren't me--only puts off the inevitable experience of coming to terms with my demons over and over again, better just to face them, accept them, and pray for help overcoming(or avoiding) them.

It is important for me to be reminded that I'm only a small part of the universe. Standing outside, just being in the universe, makes me infinite, if only for a moment.