Hmmm.

From looking at / typing up these few remembraces I can see I have a tendency to write out of my head rather than using my voiice. That is to say I rarely write as I talk. Hmmmm. Perhaps I can work on that. It seems rahter pointless toshare your thoughts and feelings around so freely if all "you"ness is lost in translation. Wheel see...

Thanksgiving

It seems like an odd time for thanksgiving: the end of something. It seems like I should be angry or spiteful or sad or ..., and I am a little of all those things. But I find myself striving to stay in a mood of thanksgiving. It seems to help my memories and feelings to remain true to reality. Anger and spite throw old events and thoughts out of proportion, they make me want to say things that aren't true: to radicalize my entire past.

Sadness and self-pity twist my mind a different direction. They encourage me to rewrite my role in life as a victim: As one who has no control over what befalls him. Well that's not true. I made decisions every day that defined who I was. I can't change my past anymore than I can reverse gravity.

Turning to look at my life and see what I have to be thankful for causes me to look at it (somewhat objectivly) and remember it all. To treat it all as fact and realize that whatever was

I get to choose what comes from here on.
And that feeling makes me thankful. :)

Meanwhile, back in the present...

My life recently got more exciting in a less than pleasant way and I'm doing some journaling with friends ... so ... I decided to put some fo my entries up here for all the world to disregard.

Mr. Natika Shewry
and
Mrs. David Eilers

Rest in Peace

2001 - 2005

Empty Pillow

Her pillow is empty. Well, actually it is gone. An empty space that once was filled. I miss having to stay on my side of the bed. I miss saying, "have a good day" while she lies there asleep. A box a kleenex has taken the place of her pillow.

The empty space reminds me of when we have shared much smaller spaces in so many rooms past. Smaller rooms, smaller beds.

Now I have a whole house to myself. Jan says,"Have you gotten a cat yet?" Somehow I don't think it would fill these empty spaces.

Touch

A hand, an arm, a shoulder, an embrace. Sharing a part of our largest organ with another. Hand grasps hand firmly (a firmness that says, "I'm here for you.") Eyes make contact; touching for an easy moment: sending another message. "I accept you as you are." We share. "Peace be with you." "And also with you."

We spread peace through physical, emotional contact. We touch, we talk, we look, we share.

We hold each other; sometimes with our arms, but always with our hearts.

Peace be with you all.