Today's perspective

I think the best thing for me right now is to imagine the ideal, and look forward to finding it. Not that perfection is attainable, I am human after all. I can wait to find the person who is so right for me I can't bear the thought of being without her. It is an adventure/experience worth looking forward to. Even if it takes awhile.

Where did this epiphany come from? Well, a swell 'airport read' (according to amazon) I picked up Around the World in 80 Dates by Jennifer Cox at Costco after hearing her talk about it on npr. It was a great book. Not a 'great book' like A Tale of two cities but a fun read that contains good advice and helpful experiences to avoid in an authentic conversational manner. It is great to follow jennifer around her past and the world through incredibly bad dates, ok ones, and great ones and then at last to experience with her the joy of at last finding her soul mate. (Although I must admit, the term "soul mate" annoys me more than a little. Not sure why.)

Anyways, a good book. Or at least a book that was good for me at this juncture. It kicked some of my current pessimism/cynicism to the curb, which was a refreshing change.

New rule: Don't settle. A lesson I wish I'd learned long ago(even before tika). This lesson is innately tied in with locating my ambition (wherever it went).

On a vaguely related subject, I'm going to try to learn to play guitar as well as practice singing more. "Practice?" you say, "That doesn't sound like dave." Well, hopefully it is a sign of my reaquaintance with ambition. I hope we get along.

Today's epiphany

For the last month or two I've been paying the price of my very sensible way of dealing with problems rationally when they arise and pushing my emotions to the back, saving them up for another day. A day when they won't be in the way when rational decisions need to be made. The procrastinator in me then says, "Maybe we can just avoid all that unpleasant depressive emotionalness." Unfortunately, the procrastinator is very persuasive.

Fast forward from lets say October to Mid-june. Hey look who it is. Unresolved issues. How suprising.

That takes us to now (leaving out 2 roller coaster months). So I've been slowly sussing out my emotional issues Some of which, needless to say, are too personal to be here, and so they won't be. But this one I thought worth recording.

One of the most painful parts of the divorce process for me is (obviously) the rejection. What I realized today is that I can't just undo that rejection with an acceptance by someone else. Most of it is because I was rejected by my best friend and wife, the person who knows (knew?) me more deeply and broadly than anyone else.

Here's the thing though. Part of me wants her to feel the pain I am feeling. At the same time I know that in the course of her life she has been through so many terrible things and I make no pretenses of being able to compare miseries. But I also know that her misery wouldn't make me feel better. It would do nothing to help me get through or (better) over the rejection I experienced.

Nor would finding someone new. I need to come to terms with it rather than trying to avoid it. I can temporarily cover the feelings with pleasant experiences, but until i work it out it will always come back to kick me in the ass.

So, on with the dealing I say.

Now I just need to to figure out exactly how to do that.

Any ideas?

in the meantime

Life has been good in the meantime. Though I'm fairly good at battling it with unrealistic expectations and cynicism. It is hard to back down and crawl out of the downward spiral. So easy to sink into, so much work to get out of.

I've met some cool people in the last two weeks. I've had some very good times. Many moments felt like I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I haven't figured out how to get there yet. At least not all the time.

Hmm. It seems funny to me that my reporting on good things feels a lot more depressing than my previous rationalizations of despair. Wait, That's not funny. Tee. Hee.

I had a great first week of august, I was working with 5 swell young people who came in town to run VBS at church. It was fun to hang with some new people and feel at home. I find it a little suspicious that they travel under assumed names(Honeybear, Buttercup, Frankie, Harpo, and Derby). It was nice to feel like part of a 'gang' if only for a week. I was their tourguide of sorts. We volunteered at the children's museum downtown, which was fun. There were many nice people there as well. It was nice to re-realize that I am quite capable of making friends. I even felt like I clicked. It is a good feeling. I hope I can stay connected. (I'm tempted to be pessimistic rather than get my hopes up about keeping connected with people. Fight the urge, dave!)

I got to visit Ian and Nicole in Seattle, which was great. Perspective comes from chatting with old friends after spending time apart. I like to talk science, ethics, relationships, music, philosophy until the wee hours. The cider was tasty, too.

Also, I was thinking today. The fewer people I attempt to connect with the more likely I will experience nothing but rejection. I need to play the numbers, so to speak. If I only have the guts to put myself 'out there' lets say once every two months. then the result of that interaction takes on mythical proportions. On the other hand, if I introduced myself to at least one person every day, I would reasonably expect to only hear from a handful of them and maybe only to become friends with a few of them. But I would become used to doing the hard part: the first step, and also become somewhat used to not hearing from some of the people. Its a theory. We'll see if I bother to test it.

A brief history of dave

Abbreviated version of the last 10 years of my life.

College. Degree. BS Computer Sci. Married. WA. Unemployed. Paper route. church. Job(youth director) @ church. Art/church in Woods. Job(web developer) @ school district. Divorce. horrible blinding pain. seemingly ok. existential crisis. Somewhat better. fairly good. ennui alternating with okay-ness.

Bonus: Punchlines to 2 jokes

• If it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.
• He was stapled to the chicken.