back to mopeyland

Ok, so I'm sitting on the couch, watching a romantic sitcom which feels somewhat like an emotional kick in the nads. Which is even worse knowing that I'm choosing to inflict it upon myself.

Whee.

Meh.

Also; still feeling vengency towards T. But resisting allright. I'm torn, I guess it is true that misery loves to torture others (company). Maybe I'll go read The Count of Monte Cristo or something and get my revenge fix.

Argh.

Live from Grunewald

This is my obligatory cheery post. I'm arting this week in the mountains. It is so nice to be in a place and feel at home. Here I feel like I can be who I am and be loved for whatever that is. It is a great feeling. I'm taking a class in Calligraphy, learning how to write beautifuly and in my mind undoing the D I got in penmanship in 2^nd grade. I think it is working. I also meet new people. It is nice to meet people and just live with them for a week. You get real insight into a variety of backgrounds and life experiences, you meet people dealing with the same struggles and people who you never could have imagined. And You can be in community. It is a joy. I'm always happy to come and regretful upon leaving. But for now, it is good. very good.

Happy, Happy. Joy, Joy.

For some reason this song comes to mind, and I need to share. :-)

Hello, boys and girls. This is your old pal, Stinky Weaselteats. This is a song about a whale. No! This is a song about being happy! That's right! It's the Happy Happy Joy Joy song!

[chorus]
Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Joy!

I don't think you're happy enough! That's right! I'll teach you to be happy! I'll teach your grandmother to suck eggs! Now, boys and girls, let's try it again!

[chorus]

If'n you aint the grandaddy of all liars! The little critters of nature... They don't know that they're ugly! That's very funny, a fly marrying a bumblebee! I told you I'd shoot! But you didn't believe me! Why didn't you believe me?!

[chorus]

How about a couple of lists...

Legitimate reasons for dave to "quit 'yer bitchin'"

1. You have good friends and family that care about him.
2. You have meet several new cool people in the last couple of weeks.
3. You've reconnected with cool old friends recently.
4. You've got good jobs.
5. You're still a swell, smart guy (most days).
6. You've got food, water, shelter, and oxygen.

Irrational emotions to squelch

1. You have no ambition
2. Noone finds you attractive
3. You are fat. (and thus unloveable, undesirable, disposable)
4. You are a failure

Now it comforts me to know (rationally) that the above aren't true (except the fat thing, but not the emotions that follow). However the crappy feelings are still there.

Abert Ellis would tell me to rationally disprove these irrational feelings and excercise my ability to disprove them. He'd say that my worth has nothing to do with what people think of me. I'm worthwhile because I'm human. Not because of my beliefs, or actions, or intentions, but just for the virtue of existing. USA(Unconditional Self Acceptance) is what I need to realize.

Good lutheran theologians would remind me that I'm simultaneously saint and sinner, damned and saved. It is true that I'll always fall short of perfection, of justifcation by works. The Law will always condemn me. But we are dualists, and we need to always remember the good news. I am loved and blessed and forgiven, as a child of God, by the grace of God. Grace: unmerited, unearned, unconditional love. It is the foundation of lutheran theology. Jesus is God's word to us. A word from God that says, "I know you. I know you're broken. I know you are mired in sin and can't see the way out. I know all that and I still love you. I love you enough to send Jesus not to condemn you but to save you. So that you can live life abundantly."

The challenge is in not just knowing this but living it. Living in the knowledge you are loved changes your perspective. It makes all the bright things brighter and illuminates the dark times.

It is so easy to be human, to forget, to fall into depression, self-pity and all that other crap. I need to remember I'm loved when I'm hurting to say to myself, "David, you are a beloved child of God." Just like I was told at my baptism.

No one, No one can take that from me. And I need to always remember that, to live in God's grace, to live as my namesake, to remember that I am and always will be "beloved".

Thoughts on the anniversary of the beginning of the end of my first marriage

I find it cynically funny that it all began so near to Independance Day. Though even as I think it I feel a bit of a stabbing sensation inside. (Note to self: be mindful of not letting melodramatic dave take over. )

If I'd looked objectively at myself and how I've been doing I probably would have realized it wasn't realistic to be done with the emotional process of dealing with this whole divore thing within the 6 months that have passed since it was official or the year since it started. In the last week I've realized that just because the marriage is over (totally, finally, permanently) it doesn't mean that it can no longer affect me.

There's the anger that I avoided for the better part of a year. There's good memories and bad memories. There's the loss of my best friend. There's a house of memories. There's desire for revenge for pain felt. There's desire for normalcy. There's a desire to be wanted, needed, remembered, missed.

Also I get to look in the mirror and think think think. 8 years. Lots of days and nights. Almost all spent together. Whenever a good memory peeks out a more recent bad one squashes it. I hope soon distance and perspective will balance the two for an accurate point of view.

The fact is, though, that I'm not a rational human being. I'm a creature of emotion, of habit, of desire for relationship. And I need to be okay with that. because pretending otherwise is just that: pretending. And sooner or later it will come back to bite me in the ass.

I found an email I sent to tika shortly into the process.

... I realized on the way here that one of the reasons I've been relatively calm about all this stuff is that there is a large part of me that refuses not to presume that you will in the end choose to be with me. I haven't let the other part of me enter my daily rational thinking. Either I'm bawling for being abandoned or stoic pretend I know you'll choose life with me in the end. I need to work on the other scenario; where you leave me to marry someone else or be single or get some lesbian love. Where you decide that married to me is one thing you'd definatey rather not be. This is going to (continue to) be hard. ...

For some reason I thought when things got better (after they were much worse) that they would stay that way. That I was through with that part. That I had "finished" with those bad days/bad feelings.

Though right now it helps to remember that it did get better and will again.

I just wish it would hurry.

Note to self (2): Write about something cheery

Perspective

Blogging when you can't sleep at night is like grocery shopping after skipping breakfast & lunch, its just not a great idea.

The sad thing is yesterday's post was the thought out, scaled back version of what I initially felt like writing. That wouldn't be appropriate for public consumption, however.

Like every bad day I've ever experienced, however, it passed. The sun rose this morning and though I was tired, it has been a good day. I was reminded of what I have to be thankful for and what I have to work on. And I felt at home, which is all I feel like asking for most days.

It was a good day, and I had ice cream at the end (chai tea flavored with ginger snaps). And I had the good sense/discipline to eat only one of two scoops.

It was enough. It was a good day.

bad day

I'm having a bout of emotional crappiness. It sucks.

I didn't expect to go through the angry portion of my transition from married to single so long after the fact(s). I figured I was through it.

Nope.

The worst part is its dragging me back into all the sad crap. Self-doubt, Self-pity, all the other self-things that can drag you down as well. I want the solution to be talk to friends, meet new people in washington and stop obsessing about yourself! But then I just ask myself "Am I avoiding my underlying problems rather than dealing with them. Or am I just human and dealing with the usual stuff that goes along with the condition?"

The accuser in me wants to wallow alone in the dark (with my ice cream bucket).

The emotional part of me wants to binge on the attention of others.

The reasonable part of me keeps coming to the horrible conclusion that I am in fact, human.

That shouldn't be such a hard thing to deal with, right?

Right?